Steve Frey
February is Black History Month, American Heart Month, Great American Pies Month (A personal favorite!), Library Lovers’ Month, and the month devoted to a host of other concepts designed to bring awareness to a cause.
Because of Valentine’s Day, however, it is also the month devoted to love. In that same vein, wouldn’t it be great if February could be made American Civility Month?
In February, people start thinking about spring. The weather begins to become more civil (Well, hopefully by the end of the month, anyway!), why not people?
If you participate in social media or watch cable news television at all, you must have noticed that the level of discourse is dropping precipitously, seemingly by the day.
It is common for people to attack anyone who disagrees with them as viciously as possible. If you do not have a good argument or data to support your assertions, you just call people names.
If it gets more vicious, people begin to use curse words not fit for a newspaper. The Romans’ “Barbarians at the Gate” analogy may be a little overdramatic, but not by much.
Why the change?
Well, for one thing, people can be very mean-spirited from a distance and through the Internet. Things that are said in a Facebook thread would often never be said in a face-to-face discussion.
In the past, the horrible things that are being said online were probably shared in a heated or hyperbolic debate at a bar or in some small social gathering, but they are now shared with the world. Hatred, prejudice, and ignorance are now out in the open.
What’s worse, even some of our leaders, so-called statesmen and stateswomen, often engage in this type of behavior regularly.
Sadly, although many people condemn these behaviors, many others applaud them. The belief is that you have to destroy the opposition. You have to out scream, out curse and outlast the other person to win the last word.
Even sadder, some people really like this kind of behavior themselves. They actually get a kick out of interacting with others this way.
Now for the good news: This is not the way that the majority of Americans believe that civil discourse should happen, and certainly not in the New River Valley.
First, let’s get this straight right away—no political party has a monopoly on virtue. Both Republicans and Democrats have politicians and partisans who take the low road at times, but many more choose to be honorable in their actions and words.
Richard Nixon, no paragon of virtue himself, said he believed there was a “silent majority” of Americans who supported his positions. Jerry Falwell used to speak of the “moral majority,” who aligned with his view of Christian values.
Most Americans would like to believe there is a “civil majority,” who believe in honest, respectful discussion.
Many in the civil majority view these social media messages, television news network conversations, or even political speeches in a shell-shocked state, finding it hard to believe that people can talk that way about or to other people. Yet that is where we are as a society.
George Washington once said, “Speak not injurious words, neither in jest nor earnest. Scoff at none though they give occasion.” George Washington was a gentleman.
Wouldn’t it be great if people today used simple good manners when talking or writing to one another? Wouldn’t it be wonderful if children saw good role models having passionate discussions, but maintaining a sense of decorum and treating the other person with respect?
That is a major problem: children are watching and listening to these negative role models. They see guests on news programs, politicians, and leaders talk about others rudely.
They see role models mock others and call them names to humiliate them or denigrate them. They see bullying and yet are told not to bully. They are being taught, by example, that this kind of behavior is normal.
Teachers throughout the NRV and across America spend time teaching children the importance of good character every day.
Ministers share the “good news,” emphasizing the importance of the Golden Rule. Most parents try their best to be moral guides at home and help children make good choices in word and action.
All of that effort is undermined when a politician or leader condemns an entire race, or diminishes an entire religion, or attacks someone by acting like a schoolyard bully, calling others belittling names or attacking their integrity. It is one step forward and two steps back.
The Civil Majority needs to take a stand against this trend!
John F. Kennedy said, “So let us begin anew—remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate. Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belaboring those problems which divide us.”
Being polite is not being weak; it is being civilized. Children must understand that it is a strength to be able to discuss civilly and respectfully, not a sign of weakness.
We as adults need to stress this. Children (and some adults in congress) need to understand that negotiating to come to an agreement has always been an important part of our democratic heritage, not a sign of weakness and capitulation. An important caveat, however, is that the negotiating must always be in good faith.
So what can parents do?
Perhaps they should emphasize with their children even more that rudeness and vicious attacks are not good manners.
Here are some teachable moments based on examples we would all recognize that could provide children with guidance:
Don’t call people names in order to ridicule them or their positions. We never make fun of other people.
Don’t lie. Don’t lie about lying. Don’t lie, lie about lying, and then accuse the other person of lying to hide your lying. We don’t lie.
Don’t encourage people at, for example, a political rally, to beat up other people. We never encourage violence or hitting others.
Don’t label a whole religious group as, say, murderers. Again, we never judge a group of people based on the actions of a few.
Don’t make fun of disabled people. We treat everyone with dignity and respect.
Don’t label a whole country as, say, rapists, even if you go back and say a few might not be. We never judge a large group of people by the actions of a few.
Don’t curse people by calling them, for example, S.O.B.’s. Cursing others is wrong.
Don’t make fun of the way other people look by saying something like, “Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?” We don’t make fun of others’ looks.
Don’t denigrate whole continents or countries because they are poor. We never put down people who are less fortunate than we are.
Of course, there are many more examples that could be used to teach children what not to do that are, unfortunately, modeled by people in leadership positions.
As adults and part of the Civil Majority, we have to protect our children from these kinds of people and, when they hear or see any of these types of behaviors being practiced, remind them that kind, mature, respectful people would never act like that, and we expect them to be kind, mature, respectful people.
I know an educator who once said, “Manners cost nothing.” I think he was probably paraphrasing from a quote by Mary Wortley Montagu, who said, “Civility costs nothing, and buys everything.”
There is a lot of truth to that. We all will go a lot farther in life and have better relationships with others if we simply remember the manners taught to us by our parents, teachers, ministers and other role models.
When you see bad manners or incivility directed toward others, as a card-carrying member of the civil majority, don’t normalize it by responding in a similar manner.
A school superintendent used to share a famous quote, “Never get in a wrestling match with a pig. You just get dirt on yourself, and the pig likes it.” Sound advice. It is always better to take the high road.
Let’s all take time, whenever it comes up, to explain to children that rude, disparaging, vicious behavior is unacceptable, no matter who may be talking or acting that way.
Most of all, never forget that our children are always watching, listening, and learning.
No, the barbarians may not be “at the gates,” but they are on television, quoted in newspapers and on the Internet.
The civil majority, however, will surely win the day through tolerance, forbearance, good will and yes, civility.
Oh, and hey, by the way, Happy American Civility Month!
Steve Frey is a writer and CEO of Ascendant Educational Services based in Radford.